Monday, September 27, 2010

I'll Huff and I'll Puff and - and....I'll, ah... Um.

I am developing my very own Teacher Voice. It's a good one.  Like a Bad Russian Accent in a Bond movie, my Voice is built up around a total lack of upward inflection-  flat and leaden and expressionless and telling you that this is how the world simply - very very simply - IS. There is no appeal, no exception, no explanation, no second chances.
Sometimes it even works.

But mostly it doesn't.
Like this:
"MOVE AWAY from the color printer, Robert. STOP TRYING to unscrew the lid.  NOW, please.  NOW.  Despite my use of the word 'PLEASE', this was not a request.  You are going to put your hand down, and move away from the printer and you have three seconds in which to do it or I'm writing you up in your diary.
Yes, I am very scarey.  Thank you Robert.

Oh, why THANK you, Robert.

NOW put down that filing drawerRobert.  Take that filing drawer off off your head, PLEASE. Notice, again, my use of the word 'Please'. Despite appearances, it is actually a threat, delivered with a great deal of menace. Oh yes. BELIEVE me.

Why, THANK you, Robert. How very kind. Now take your hand OFF OF MARK'S COMPUTER AND SIT DOWN in THAT CHAIR AND PICK UP YOUR MATHS BOOK -

At this point the Maths book is pitched, with a fair degree of accuracy, at the blackboard - or another student's head, losing half of its pages either way, and Robert is staring at me with his arms crossed, sneering, begging for me to try something.

I'm not trained for this. I'm an architect.  Clients send us passive-aggressive emails and refuse to pay filing fees.  They don't throw things.  And if they do, you can fire 'em.  I can't even give these kids a detention.

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