Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Drowning in the Blue

We have bought Avatar on BluRay. We popped it into the player this evening, and only twenty minutes in, I am reluctantly forced to face facts:  this movie is completely idiotic.

In the theatre I was seduced by all the 3D pretty, but on the small screen, where the all the gorgeous bioluminescent travel journalism doesn't loom so large over the writing, the movie was suddenly EXACTLY like that boy back in college who had the most INTENSE eyes -

You know the guy.  His eyes looked right THROUGH you, and when he stared deep into your own basic hazel specs he saw right into your SOUL and you just melted.  Positively melted.

And then, four night later, over dinner at Subway, the restaurant he picked out specially for this big date because it had the best cuisine in North America, you found out that he thought Thomas Kinkaide was the world's greatest artist and that Jim Carey was the greatest comedian in the history of cinema - particularly in his seminal work, Ace Ventura Pet Detective.  And he absolutely LOVED being on this date with you because wasn't it COOL to be dating someone foreign - Australia, right?  That's not even in Massachusetts!

And as he leaned in to kiss you over the remains of your tuna melt, you looked into those magical  eyes and you realized, with dawning horror, that there was nothing behind them looking back at you.  Just air.  And you knew inside your soul that there was never going to be a third date; there might not even be the remains of this second date because as he kissed you, you felt nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

That's what Avatar is like.  With even worse dialogue.

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