Saturday, March 5, 2011

How to Make a Public Spectacle of Yourself in Seven Easy Steps

1) Locate a nice sunny day and go for a walk through it.

2) Wearing a comfortable t-shirt and a tight, knee-length skirt, sit down on a patch of grass underneath a shady tree overlooking a river.

3) While listening to the rotary flopping sounds of a duck trying to take off from a mud wallow, idly brush away the the large black ants that appear to be crawling over your skirt and t-shirt.

4) The ants may be biting, so swat briskly.  Avoid howling; this indicates to the ants that you are impressed.

5)  Sharp, sudden pain will draw your attention to the ants that are now marching, in formal ranks, up the insides of your thighs, biting as they go.  Remove them without drawing the attention of every jogger and sunbather on the riverbank.  Remember that your skirt is long and tight and you will really have to reach.

6) With solemn dignity (insofar as possible), rise to your feet and indicate to the ants that the lawn is now entirely theirs.  Walk away slowly.

7) Wait until you are bracketed by three gentlemen with briefcases and a pack of cyclists, and discover that one of the ants made it past your defenses and has just bitten you right between your legs.
Almost exactly right betwee- 
Attempt to resolve the situation without drawing undue attention to your discomfort.

He's not letting go, is he?



7a) Walk away as briskly as politeness allows, reflecting with gratitude upon the charity of those who have chosen not to make a citizen's arrest for public indecency.

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