Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Twilight, the Feel-Good Movie Fix

Dr Tabubil called me on the way home from work this evening.
            "I have" she sighed dreamily "an overwhelming compulsion to watch Twilight tonight."
            "Please."  I said.  "I know you're under a lot of pressure, but there are other ways to end it all.  Is there anything you need to talk about?"
            "Have you even SEEN Twilight?"
            "I am perfectly capable of being a snob without having had that pleasure."  I said, with dignity.
            She sighed again.  "It's such a feel-good movie."
            "When I saw it the first time in the theatre- "
            "Whoah.  Unpack.  You've seen it more than once?"
            "When I saw it the first time in the theatre, I went with Abby Conroy.  You remember her, right?  She teaches middle school.  And we were SURROUNDED by her students.  All her female students, anyway.  And we couldn't hear anything anyone said on the screen because for the ENTIRE movie her students were squealing 'EeeeEEEE!  PATTINSON!'  And when they weren't squealing 'EeeeEEE!  PATTINSON!'  They were squealing  'Miss Conroy likes Twilight!  She is soooooo cool!!!!!!'  Tell me, Tabubilgirl.  HOW does that not make a fabulous feel-good film?"
            "So she went for the street cred.  Why'd you go?"
            "When I went to see New Moon in the theatre" She said, ignoring me, "It was me and a friend from med school, about three hundred thirteen year old girls, and one boy.  He was there on a date.  All the girls were squealing 'EeeeEEE!  PATTINSON!', and halfway through the movie, the boy spoke.  Just once.  He spoke when the audience actually silent, for, like, five seconds, and he said, right into the silence: ' But you said that there'd be werewolves!' 
            He sounded Sooooooo betrayed.  So wounded.   How can you NOT love a movie that does that?!  It's, like, pure warm fuzzies.  And feel-good pleasure.  I am going to watch Twilight, and then I'm going to watch New Moon, and I am going to cuddle the memory of that poor betrayed boy to my breast and I am going to laugh.  Mwahahaha.  Like that, evil-ly.  And I need that tonight after today.  So there.  Goodbye."

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